I've got to admit - I feel completely out of control right now. I feel like life is happening at me, and I'm just having to triage everyday.
I'm desperately trying to improve at work, and I'm terrified going into this next review cycle. I've worked really hard at improving the things from last review, and I'm scared its not enough.
I'd say let's not even talk about my weight, but its such a symptom of the larger problem. My eating is insane, I can't stick to what I'll say I'll do. I might be good through lunch, but then I just binge and eat to shut up the feelings. Even worse, its such a punishment. When I'm eating the entire batch of cookies I baked (yes, seriously, I hate typing that) I hold back the tears and tell myself how I'll just be fat forever and I'll be the fat loser that hates her life. Because that's how I feel - of course I'm fat and failing. I'm just the 30 year old nobody that can't accomplish a damn thing. I have no purpose except to take up space. I'm not contributing anything special.
My house is disgusting. I cleaned a lot yesterday, which did help me feel better, but its not done. I'm just out of energy. I wish I had help.
Fuck this money situation I got myself into. I was lucky to make 2 big credit cards based on a yearly payment I receive, but I'm scared I'll never dig myself out of this hole. I hate living paycheck to paycheck and feeling stuck. I did the math, and if I follow Dave Ramsey's method I should be out of debt in 5 years. But that is 5 years of essentially zero spending outside of bills, and I don't think it will work out that way.
And where can I cut back? I'm doing the bare minimum at everything and its still just too much. I can't afford to drop anything.
I have this fantasy that I can go outside and run for hours, days, and weeks. I'll just run to the forest and run for a few hours, and when I come home I'll be skinny.
I want to do Whole30 again, but there are just so many situations that make it hard. I need to be part of the team at work, so I can't always take my own food. But I'm scared to be that girl at lunch ordering something special.
I just want to feel like I am actually living my life again, not just surviving it.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Monday, October 17, 2016
Reset #2
Last week I set goals for this grand lifestyle reset. I said that I am taking a break from alcohol, caffeine, and will be in bed by 10. First, lets recap how I did:
1. No alcohol! This has been pretty easy as I don't have strong cravings for any alcoholic drinks, and I didn't have any social engagements where drinking is hard to avoid. Going into the holidays with work parties and such will be a little more difficult, but I would like to keep going.
2. No caffeine - well, I did drastically reduce it. I had no coffee, but I did have quite a bit of soda and some tea. This week I would like to say goodbye to the soda (and if I realllllly need one, make sure its caffeine free) but I will keep tea. I know this still gives me some caffeine, but I don't feel the same anxiety inducing effects from a cup of green tea as I do a latte. Maybe I don't inhale it at the same rate?
3. In bed by 10 - I did pretty good on this one, at least in the beginning of the week. Friday I knew I would be out late for a hockey game, and we stayed up late watching movies Saturday, but Sunday there was no reason I needed to be up that late. I'm renewing this push to be in bed by 10!
Also, I started running again last week. I'm pleased to report that I've done the loop 3 times now (running every other day) and it is starting to feel good. My calves and shins are a little unhappy while running, so I'm concentrating on lots of calf massage and I know it will get a little easier when I get a few pounds off. My plan is to do the loop one more time on Tuesday, then find a new, slightly longer loop. Hooray progress!
New this week, I'm issuing myself a challenge:
Yoga everyday for 30 days!
It doesn't need to be a class, especially since I know that I'm going out of town for work, but I'm challenging myself to do at least 10 minutes of yoga per day for the next 30 days!
Overall I'm feeling good and I'm ready for more changes!
1. No alcohol! This has been pretty easy as I don't have strong cravings for any alcoholic drinks, and I didn't have any social engagements where drinking is hard to avoid. Going into the holidays with work parties and such will be a little more difficult, but I would like to keep going.
2. No caffeine - well, I did drastically reduce it. I had no coffee, but I did have quite a bit of soda and some tea. This week I would like to say goodbye to the soda (and if I realllllly need one, make sure its caffeine free) but I will keep tea. I know this still gives me some caffeine, but I don't feel the same anxiety inducing effects from a cup of green tea as I do a latte. Maybe I don't inhale it at the same rate?
3. In bed by 10 - I did pretty good on this one, at least in the beginning of the week. Friday I knew I would be out late for a hockey game, and we stayed up late watching movies Saturday, but Sunday there was no reason I needed to be up that late. I'm renewing this push to be in bed by 10!
Also, I started running again last week. I'm pleased to report that I've done the loop 3 times now (running every other day) and it is starting to feel good. My calves and shins are a little unhappy while running, so I'm concentrating on lots of calf massage and I know it will get a little easier when I get a few pounds off. My plan is to do the loop one more time on Tuesday, then find a new, slightly longer loop. Hooray progress!
New this week, I'm issuing myself a challenge:
Yoga everyday for 30 days!
It doesn't need to be a class, especially since I know that I'm going out of town for work, but I'm challenging myself to do at least 10 minutes of yoga per day for the next 30 days!
Overall I'm feeling good and I'm ready for more changes!
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Starting over is hard
I have completed 4 marathons, 7 half marathons, and 3 relays.
Right now I can maybe run a mile. It would likely be a 12 minute mile. And then I would need an ice bath.
When I started running years ago, besides being younger and about 40 pounds lighter, I started slow. I celebrated the first half mile loop in my parents neighborhood. I slowly increased to a mile, then a mile and a half (I was lucky that each additional block added about a half mile) and I remember being stuck at the 2 mile distance for a while. Running up to the school and back was roughly 2.3 miles but there was a bit of a hill so I had to stop and walk part way.
My distance increased from there, slowly but surely until I could run 15 miles without stopping. All of my longer distances have had some walk breaks or rest breaks, but I could still put in some serious distance in a day.
So, uh, why can't I convince myself to follow this same method? Why do I feel compelled to start with 3 miles? I can't run 3 miles right now. I SHOULDN'T run 3 miles right now. Its asking for injury and will only set me up for failure and disappointment.
TODAY I DECLARE I WILL START RUNNING AGAIN.
I will run the loop by my house. I think it will be just over a half a mile. I will run this loop until it feels easy and I feel READY to go longer, not because I "should" go longer or because everyone else is going longer or no one will love me if I don't run longer.
Sorry, that got dark there. But sometimes its a little dark living with irrational Laura.
Confession: I actually started last night. I was pissed off from coming home to dog poop in the living room (because even though she pooped in the morning and again when I got home, there was another poop during the day?) so I threw on my clothes and went out for my loop.
I started jogging in the parking lot, my shins felt a little cranky but I felt good. I had been formulating this plan in my head and I started thinking wow, I'll have to find a new loop soon because this feels so easy!
HAHA, LOL, JK.
1/4 of the way through and I felt tired and terrible but not so terrible that I couldn't keep going. You know, basically the goal of this whole thing. Run a manageable distance until I feel like more would be manageable. That whole common sense thing.
Day 1 of running again is on the books. I feel excited, my plan feels manageable, and I feel like I can succeed.
Right now I can maybe run a mile. It would likely be a 12 minute mile. And then I would need an ice bath.
When I started running years ago, besides being younger and about 40 pounds lighter, I started slow. I celebrated the first half mile loop in my parents neighborhood. I slowly increased to a mile, then a mile and a half (I was lucky that each additional block added about a half mile) and I remember being stuck at the 2 mile distance for a while. Running up to the school and back was roughly 2.3 miles but there was a bit of a hill so I had to stop and walk part way.
My distance increased from there, slowly but surely until I could run 15 miles without stopping. All of my longer distances have had some walk breaks or rest breaks, but I could still put in some serious distance in a day.
So, uh, why can't I convince myself to follow this same method? Why do I feel compelled to start with 3 miles? I can't run 3 miles right now. I SHOULDN'T run 3 miles right now. Its asking for injury and will only set me up for failure and disappointment.
TODAY I DECLARE I WILL START RUNNING AGAIN.
I will run the loop by my house. I think it will be just over a half a mile. I will run this loop until it feels easy and I feel READY to go longer, not because I "should" go longer or because everyone else is going longer or no one will love me if I don't run longer.
Sorry, that got dark there. But sometimes its a little dark living with irrational Laura.
Confession: I actually started last night. I was pissed off from coming home to dog poop in the living room (because even though she pooped in the morning and again when I got home, there was another poop during the day?) so I threw on my clothes and went out for my loop.
I started jogging in the parking lot, my shins felt a little cranky but I felt good. I had been formulating this plan in my head and I started thinking wow, I'll have to find a new loop soon because this feels so easy!
HAHA, LOL, JK.
1/4 of the way through and I felt tired and terrible but not so terrible that I couldn't keep going. You know, basically the goal of this whole thing. Run a manageable distance until I feel like more would be manageable. That whole common sense thing.
Day 1 of running again is on the books. I feel excited, my plan feels manageable, and I feel like I can succeed.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Reset: Step 1
I'm a liar. This will not only be 1 step. I'm not capable of doing 1 thing at a time.
This is something I should work on... eventually.
Right now I'm at Point A. The wretched Point A where I'm studying myself in mirrors and making self improvement lists (like this one) and vowing tomorrow will be different. Maybe it will be different because I've declared it on the interwebs?
Point B is somewhere in the distance. Irrational Laura sees Point B just down the road, maybe 3 months away and sees the semi straight line I'll follow to get there. Irrational Laura also thinks that Rockstar and a twix bar are good breakfast choices because she's driving 200 miles and needs energy.
Rational Laura knows that Point B is deceptive. She can see it but can't tell the distance, probably because she's not wearing her glasses and is squinting really hard. She also knows that it might actually be a mirage and maybe Point B isn't actually there and I'll end up at a to-be-determined Point C.
Enough metaphor bullshit.
During the drive home, hungover and sick I decided to take a break from alcohol. I don't have a problem with alcohol, besides the fact that a few times a year I choose to drink too much of it. But nothing good really comes from it and I don't need it. So I'm taking a break. The same with caffeine. I have never finished a Rockstar and said to myself "man, I'm so glad I drank that!" I drink them for specific purposes like staying awake or for a quick pick me up, but I know that I crash really hard later and feel anxious. Coffee is less severe, but nothing good comes from it, besides the social experience with coworkers. So I'm taking a break from caffeine as well.
So far:
1. Take a break from alcohol.
2. Take a break from caffeine.
You know what else I need to do? Sleep. I'm averaging about 5 hours a night during the work week because I'm up till midnight hanging out with Trevor, then up at 5 to start working. Then Saturday I stay in bed till 2 because I've crashed from all the caffeine and stress. And that is really dumb. I'm setting myself a goal to be in bed at 10 PM. Not asleep, I don't need to put pressure on myself, but I want to be in bed, winding down, and I bet I will be asleep earlier more often than not.
3. In bed by 10.
There it is - my first set of goals for this reset. Not sure when I'll set the next few goals, right now when I'm thinking that I have these totally dialed in and I'm ready to take on more. Here we go, wish me luck!
This is something I should work on... eventually.
Right now I'm at Point A. The wretched Point A where I'm studying myself in mirrors and making self improvement lists (like this one) and vowing tomorrow will be different. Maybe it will be different because I've declared it on the interwebs?
Point B is somewhere in the distance. Irrational Laura sees Point B just down the road, maybe 3 months away and sees the semi straight line I'll follow to get there. Irrational Laura also thinks that Rockstar and a twix bar are good breakfast choices because she's driving 200 miles and needs energy.
Rational Laura knows that Point B is deceptive. She can see it but can't tell the distance, probably because she's not wearing her glasses and is squinting really hard. She also knows that it might actually be a mirage and maybe Point B isn't actually there and I'll end up at a to-be-determined Point C.
Enough metaphor bullshit.
During the drive home, hungover and sick I decided to take a break from alcohol. I don't have a problem with alcohol, besides the fact that a few times a year I choose to drink too much of it. But nothing good really comes from it and I don't need it. So I'm taking a break. The same with caffeine. I have never finished a Rockstar and said to myself "man, I'm so glad I drank that!" I drink them for specific purposes like staying awake or for a quick pick me up, but I know that I crash really hard later and feel anxious. Coffee is less severe, but nothing good comes from it, besides the social experience with coworkers. So I'm taking a break from caffeine as well.
So far:
1. Take a break from alcohol.
2. Take a break from caffeine.
You know what else I need to do? Sleep. I'm averaging about 5 hours a night during the work week because I'm up till midnight hanging out with Trevor, then up at 5 to start working. Then Saturday I stay in bed till 2 because I've crashed from all the caffeine and stress. And that is really dumb. I'm setting myself a goal to be in bed at 10 PM. Not asleep, I don't need to put pressure on myself, but I want to be in bed, winding down, and I bet I will be asleep earlier more often than not.
3. In bed by 10.
There it is - my first set of goals for this reset. Not sure when I'll set the next few goals, right now when I'm thinking that I have these totally dialed in and I'm ready to take on more. Here we go, wish me luck!
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
I have nothing to talk about
On a scale of 1-10, I'm a 5. Maybe? Nothing too tragic is happening right now and my anxiety is pretty in check. I haven't felt like locking myself in my apartment for a while, but I do also feel like packing up my bags and moving across the country. I haven't cried in a while either.
I sat in therapy today with nothing to talk about. I scrolled through my usual issues and everything was moving along. Not perfect, but its all a work in progress and I can see the steps I need to take. So I sat there making awkward eye contact with a counselor that I really trust and have known for years trying to make conversation.
I'M CURED.
Ha.
I did find one thing to talk about - Cindy. Cindy was a friend from my CrossFit days. We weren't very close, but we ran (burpeed?) in the same circles. She passed away from lung cancer last year. When I read about her diagnosis I cried. Sat on the floor, head in hands, hyperventilating ugly crying. I called Trevor and made him come home. I couldn't take the sudden realization that someone was dying.
I'm not sure why her illness hit me so hard because so many others I know are affected with cancer and illness. Why I read her blog posts over and over and tried to change my life to follow her advice to not wait anymore. We use the hashtag #dontwait in her honor when we do something we've always wanted or celebrate family time or take care of ourselves.
Today I looked at my counselor and said that Cindy wouldn't be happy with how I live my life.
Do I know this? No.
But could I talk about my life with a straight face and say "yes Cindy, I'm living well in your memory!"? Ehhh, not exactly.
Saturday night after a wedding I drank wine, beer, and whiskey. For breakfast the next day I had Rockstar and a twix. I slept 5 hours last night. Instead of talking to my boyfriend in the car today I messaged my coworkers trying to coordinate everything.
I feel like shit. I'm not happy.
I can rationalize that much of my life right now (hello, 60 hour work weeks) is a phase that will get my closer to a life I want to live (CPA with a flexible schedule PLEASE). But I could be doing so much more to live a good life until that happens. Honestly, I don't even know if that mythical day WILL happen because life is a curious and funny beast sometimes. I'd like to work on living my best life now.
#dontwait
I sat in therapy today with nothing to talk about. I scrolled through my usual issues and everything was moving along. Not perfect, but its all a work in progress and I can see the steps I need to take. So I sat there making awkward eye contact with a counselor that I really trust and have known for years trying to make conversation.
I'M CURED.
Ha.
I did find one thing to talk about - Cindy. Cindy was a friend from my CrossFit days. We weren't very close, but we ran (burpeed?) in the same circles. She passed away from lung cancer last year. When I read about her diagnosis I cried. Sat on the floor, head in hands, hyperventilating ugly crying. I called Trevor and made him come home. I couldn't take the sudden realization that someone was dying.
I'm not sure why her illness hit me so hard because so many others I know are affected with cancer and illness. Why I read her blog posts over and over and tried to change my life to follow her advice to not wait anymore. We use the hashtag #dontwait in her honor when we do something we've always wanted or celebrate family time or take care of ourselves.
Today I looked at my counselor and said that Cindy wouldn't be happy with how I live my life.
Do I know this? No.
But could I talk about my life with a straight face and say "yes Cindy, I'm living well in your memory!"? Ehhh, not exactly.
Saturday night after a wedding I drank wine, beer, and whiskey. For breakfast the next day I had Rockstar and a twix. I slept 5 hours last night. Instead of talking to my boyfriend in the car today I messaged my coworkers trying to coordinate everything.
I feel like shit. I'm not happy.
I can rationalize that much of my life right now (hello, 60 hour work weeks) is a phase that will get my closer to a life I want to live (CPA with a flexible schedule PLEASE). But I could be doing so much more to live a good life until that happens. Honestly, I don't even know if that mythical day WILL happen because life is a curious and funny beast sometimes. I'd like to work on living my best life now.
#dontwait
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