I have nothing to talk about

On a scale of 1-10, I'm a 5.  Maybe?  Nothing too tragic is happening right now and my anxiety is pretty in check.  I haven't felt like locking myself in my apartment for a while, but I do also feel like packing up my bags and moving across the country.  I haven't cried in a while either. 


I sat in therapy today with nothing to talk about.  I scrolled through my usual issues and everything was moving along.  Not perfect, but its all a work in progress and I can see the steps I need to take.  So I sat there making awkward eye contact with a counselor that I really trust and have known for years trying to make conversation.


I'M CURED.


Ha.


I did find one thing to talk about - Cindy.  Cindy was a friend from my CrossFit days.  We weren't very close, but we ran (burpeed?) in the same circles.  She passed away from lung cancer last year.  When I read about her diagnosis I cried.  Sat on the floor, head in hands, hyperventilating ugly crying.  I called Trevor and made him come home.  I couldn't take the sudden realization that someone was dying. 


I'm not sure why her illness hit me so hard because so many others I know are affected with cancer and illness.  Why I read her blog posts over and over and tried to change my life to follow her advice to not wait anymore.  We use the hashtag #dontwait in her honor when we do something we've always wanted or celebrate family time or take care of ourselves.


Today I looked at my counselor and said that Cindy wouldn't be happy with how I live my life. 


Do I know this?  No. 


But could I talk about my life with a straight face and say "yes Cindy, I'm living well in your memory!"? Ehhh, not exactly. 


Saturday night after a wedding I drank wine, beer, and whiskey.  For breakfast the next day I had Rockstar and a twix.  I slept 5 hours last night.  Instead of talking to my boyfriend in the car today I messaged my coworkers trying to coordinate everything. 


I feel like shit.  I'm not happy. 


I can rationalize that much of my life right now (hello, 60 hour work weeks) is a phase that will get my closer to a life I want to live (CPA with a flexible schedule PLEASE).  But I could be doing so much more to live a good life until that happens.  Honestly, I don't even know if that mythical day WILL happen because life is a curious and funny beast sometimes.  I'd like to work on living my best life now. 


#dontwait