Not in control

I've got to admit - I feel completely out of control right now.  I feel like life is happening at me, and I'm just having to triage everyday.


I'm desperately trying to improve at work, and I'm terrified going into this next review cycle.  I've worked really hard at improving the things from last review, and I'm scared its not enough.


I'd say let's not even talk about my weight, but its such a symptom of the larger problem.  My eating is insane, I can't stick to what I'll say I'll do.  I might be good through lunch, but then I just binge and eat to shut up the feelings.  Even worse, its such a punishment.  When I'm eating the entire batch of cookies I baked (yes, seriously, I hate typing that) I hold back the tears and tell myself how I'll just be fat forever and I'll be the fat loser that hates her life.  Because that's how I feel - of course I'm fat and failing.  I'm just the 30 year old nobody that can't accomplish a damn thing.  I have no purpose except to take up space.  I'm not contributing anything special.


My house is disgusting.  I cleaned a lot yesterday, which did help me feel better, but its not done.  I'm just out of energy.  I wish I had help. 


Fuck this money situation I got myself into.  I was lucky to make 2 big credit cards based on a yearly payment I receive, but I'm scared I'll never dig myself out of this hole.  I hate living paycheck to paycheck and feeling stuck.  I did the math, and if I follow Dave Ramsey's method I should be out of debt in 5 years.  But that is 5 years of essentially zero spending outside of bills, and I don't think it will work out that way.


And where can I cut back?  I'm doing the bare minimum at everything and its still just too much.  I can't afford to drop anything.


I have this fantasy that I can go outside and run for hours, days, and weeks.  I'll just run to the forest and run for a few hours, and when I come home I'll be skinny.


I want to do Whole30 again, but there are just so many situations that make it hard.  I need to be part of the team at work, so I can't always take my own food.  But I'm scared to be that girl at lunch ordering something special. 


I just want to feel like I am actually living my life again, not just surviving it.